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It has been three whole years since a drop of alcohol (or poison as I like to call it now. Lol. Oh yes, I am converted indeed) has entered my body!

This is a sentence I thought I would never type. Yet single handedly one of my greatest decisions ever made.

My journey as a yoga teacher really triggered many questions in my head about how I was treating my body. My vision was clear. The yogic mindset really resonated with me and for me to teach congruently I really had to make a few shifts in my conscious behavior. In essence walk my talk. My diet is reasonably good, I am a vegetarian that eats little to no dairy and am so mindful of what I put into my body yet was happy to put poison in my body every Saturday? Made zero sense. I am by no means tarring everyone with the same brush, these are simply my sets of beliefs that resonate with my map of the world.

My work at The Sanctuary has evolved over the past years. Addiction is something that has been addressed on many occasions. Addiction to alcohol, recreational/prescription drugs, gambling, pornography, shopping to name just a few. Not all addiction is so obvious. So many have functional addictions that they secretly hide from the world. I hope this blog will empower many of you to break the cycles of habitual sabotage and live your best life! One tiny step at a time will lead to big changes!

I’ve taken so much strength from so many of you that have walked your path out of addiction with courage, stepping into your truth and in turn living your best life. You have all inspired me and still do to this very day! I am humbled to share your space!

It took just one simple sentence from a dear friend.

I decided to do sober October and my friend David said “no way, you will never quit”. That’s all he said. I thought Oh my days he is right. What started off as a ego/pride thing soon turned into something magical.

All was slowly being revealed to me from the universe.

We were well known for our parties and gatherings, all fuelled by alcohol, games and food, my husband and I had certainly partied like it 1999 for way, way too long.

Since the death of a dear friend we celebrated life and love to the max, but not necessarily in a healthy way. We used our dear friends death as an excuse to self-sabotage our bodies and to justify the habit of cracking open that celebratory bottle/s of whatever poison was our choice.

We watched our friend die of cancer, his body suffered the greatest of pain and yet here we were drinking a liquid that is scientifically proven to increase our chances of all sorts of disease. It’s only now on reflection I see the absolute irony in our choices!

Did we have fun? What I can remember yes!

Was it worth it? Yes because without that life choice I would not know the bliss of this life choice! And in the words of Joseph Campbell I have found my bliss! Through a series of tiny decisions and commitment it is here. In a simple, mindful way of life.

Let me get the negatives out of the way before I start to tell you how utterly amazing I feel living a life with minimal toxins in my body.

None! That’s what I want to type but that would not be my truth!

• I have zero tolerance when around anyone even the slightest bit tipsy. As soon as I see that glazed look I am out! Something in me cuts off and I have absolutely zero interest in the conversation. Harsh! But my truth.

• I crave authenticity now more than ever. Alcohol changes how a person “is” and as a sensitive soul I feel this somatically more than think it. This is a feeling that is so huge my rational brain cannot keep up.

• You know when someone has broken wind and you want to get away because the smell offends your nose. Well drunkenness on any level offends my aura! (TMI but I needed a powerful metaphor)

• I can tolerate my nearest and dearest, It’s the strangest thing. Like my irritability is selective. I am working on this btw, it’s a me thing not a them thing!

• I am judgmental at times and I HATE this. When I see people guzzle into their bottle of plonk or knock back the spirit of choice, I think two things. One, oh I miss that feeling of fuzziness and two if you knew what that liquid was really doing to your beautiful body long term you would be horrified.

• I miss being part of the ritual of sharing alcohol. I miss that feeling of sitting down and sharing a bottle of red wine with my tribe. I loved the taste, smell and feeling.

• I have the energy and enthusiasm of a class full of reception children. I actually find myself annoying at times. I AM BOUNCING with ideas and have a zest for life that is off the scale. I am still adjusting to this. I have to really wind it down most of the time and try to behave normal! Tis a task. Alcohol used to somehow tame my energy and dull me down. That ship has sailed!

• I am way too opinionated on the subject of alcohol consumption. When it comes to any form of suffering or dis-ease of the mind or body. I see that people still choose to engorge themselves with poison and I think why can you not see this is making things a whole lot worse, Its crystal clear to me.  I see it more on media. The weekend jovial, high energy posts then the Monday dower post, memes and quotes about woe is me and how the world is so tough. It is in plain sight. Depression and anxiety are both dramatically enhanced by the after effects of alcohol yet it is very rarely talked about generally. The antidote being just take a tablet rather than alter your choices, behaviour and general actions. This may sound harsh to some. This is not my intention. If you think the answers to your problems will be rectified in the bottom of a bottle or glass i am simply saying this is not the case. The feelings raised when taking away alcohol is the issue, when there is no where to hide and feelings are raw! If you can learn to manage your mind, body and emotional wellbeing the way you would care for your new born baby, with ultimate love and compassion, seeking help and support where you can, then surely you can see the wisdom in this. It’s not easy but it is life changing! Rant over!

• My taste buds have changed. I crave sweet things, which is new to me. Never a fan tbh, now I love all the naughty vegan snacks I can find. I often fancy “something” to eat but never know what, I think this is my brain trying to fill the void that my trustee G&T filled.

• It can be a very alone place to be being so “awake” to the world. With alcohol consumption every evening/every weekend becoming the norm by the month, it can be difficult sometimes to find other humans on the same page. But then I realise that my lifestyle is extreme and I can adjust my vibe accordingly, winding my opinionated little neck in! I still buy my husband his favourite poison, as being poison free is my choice not his and I want him to be comfortable. His alcohol consumption has dramatically decreased. He drinks a couple of times a month and really enjoys it. I try to stay quiet! Lol!

The positives.

• I am sooooooo well. My body, skin, hair, mind just feels light and bright. I have not lost weight but I have changed shape. My waist is tiny and my tummy fairly flat with not much effort. My body changed so slowly that I didn’t really notice for many months. Lost that wine bloat, that I didn’t know I had.

• Sleep. I sleep so much better than I have in years.

• Menopause. The aches, pains and hot flashes are dramatically diminished to a level that’s virtually not even a thing now.

• My mind is so clear all of the time (most of the time, that was more wishful thinking), like I see, feel, smell, taste and hear things on a extra sensitive level. It’s hard to explain. To be without the fog of alcohol or a hangover literally feels like a veil is lifted

• I get so much done every day. Because I am more focused and have all this energy I achieve so much in a day and more importantly I have the energy to do whatever needs done with lightening precision.

•  I feel all the feels. There’s been some pretty tough times over this past three years. Really tough in fact. To be in these raw emotions with such awareness and high intensity is cathartic and has abled me to process all the situations in a healthy way, painfully so or otherwise I feel like I have dealt with life much wiser and much kinder way. There is no way I could have delt with the last two years in such a balanced way had I still been drinking! NO WAY!

• Intimacy and connection with my husband is off the scale. We are in the honeymoon period again for sure. Physically our connection is conscious and very beautiful and very real.

• The gym and yoga. I have more strength and stamina than ever before; my injuries are very rare and if so the recovery short.

• No more beer fear! EVER again!!!!! If you are unsure what I am referring to than its the moment you open your eyes after a night out and think “OMG what did i do/say!? What have I organised or agreed to, and now in my sober mind does not want to attend!? NO more checking your phone to see what utter rubbish you have either posted on media or text ! Or even worse trying to work out what you said and the reason your other half is not speaking to you! No more of these shenanigans! Horrrrahyyyyyyy!

• My tribe has changed. Some are new and others I don’t see so much these days, and that is ok. We no longer meet in bars. My gatherings are in cafés and restaurants or outdoors and the quality of conversation is very deep and very real, raw at times. I feel genuine connection and love in the safe space that we hold. For this I am eternally grateful. Far outweighs alcohol fuelled conversations of the past. Makes me cringe on reflection tbh!

• I am settled in my ways and routine, genuinely settled. Life is certainly not perfect but life is good. The levels of consciousness that I live at now are almost meditative at times. To be “in” life fully awake is like the universe showing me a natural high in the collective connection of it all. I have experienced death, pain, stress, worry, laughter and love all at this level. No fine wine or organic spirit could or will ever replace the joy life has shown me on this journey. Please don’t read this and think it has been a breeze! But it has been worth it.

By the time I actually decided to stop alcohol intake I was down to one bottle of wine a week. I would drink this on a Saturday followed but double the amount of water, it was becoming such a effort. I looked forward to the wine but as soon as I was finish I needed it out of my body and was so tired the next day as I would be on the toilet all night. Sounds bonkers writing this!

Breaking the pattern of having a casual drink was much, much harder than I anticipated. What did really help my mindset was the books I read at the time.

Once the penny dropped and the full horror what alcohol does to us ALL hit home, how the government fund so, so many alcohol related issues yet profit out of selling the product in the first place (really) and how glamourised it is to be a drinker dawned on me I WAS DONE!

This is my list of favorite books from three years ago.

The naked mind by Annie Grace

The sober diaries by Claire Poorly

Atomic habit by James Clear

Solve to happy by Mo Gawdat

The unexpected Joy of being Sober by Catherine Grey

Kick the drink easily by Jason Vale

I need to add. As this is a major player in my journey. I had been stopped drinking 14 months when my Mum passed away. My Father found her cold lifeless body outside. She had went to out to put the bins outside in the main bin. She tripped and hit her head on the coldest day of the year. She died of hypothermia.

As I sat in their living room surrounded by the police and whoever else was swarming the premises all I could focus on was two things, My Mums distinct tiny frame covered by a blanket and the bag of rubbish next to her. A bottle of Gordons gin and schweppes tonic lay within the rubbish. In that moment I knew I would never ever drink again!

Written with love, light and truth

AWB x

If you would like to join me for your self development journey please go to the contact page on my website and complete my online consultation form https://www.thesanctuaryatairedale.com/contact/

Change starts with you!

<<<<<Vibe: Cold little heart; Michael Kiwanuka>>>>>

The most important thing is your homeworks at the end of this! 🙂

The gift of detachment, personal growth and healing!

Praise be for the added skill I have/had of detachment. This has certainly been a superpower in many moments of great anguish. One above all in particular.

As empaths or sensitive souls the level of emotion we feel at times can be so overwhelming that we cut off (self preservation response), emotionally, physically and spiritually for our own wellbeing. This is certainly not a trait for all of you. For those of you that have not yet learned the art of detachment, I send you so much healing, for the burden of pain you carry my friend. To educate yourself on the life of an empath would be highly beneficial to you and your mindset.

The day I knew I could detach.

The story is irrelevant but the moral is not. It is a story of empowerment and how living your truth can set you free, and that hiding away from your emotions is eventually going to catch up with you, one way or another.

This story is only a really small part of my journey, yet the impact of not addressing “my truth” and my “heartache” has been enormous.

April 2001. Sat for yet another fertility appointment in the IVF suit at the center of life in Newcastle, with a heart full of hope and secretly planning what baby names I would choose. 🙂

Today was an appointment with a difference.

After weeks of a complex concoction of drugs, and very painful, equally complex procedures, this was the day. Two little embryos would get placed into their mother’s womb where they belonged. This is where I would protect them with the ferocity of a lioness and with every fibre of l have, lovingly nurture them until we could meet. 🙂

This was the day our little miracles of life would “come home “ so to speak. And with my then husband by my side here we were, so excited we made it to the day (for those familiar with IVF you will know it’s amazing to get to this stage). Our two perfect embryos were on the screen, me ready, (In the most awkward position ever) and the Doctor. This was the day. The day life was created and the beginning of our family.

All was well until “the feeling” something was wrong washed over me. You may know this as a gut feeling or intuition.

This was the most overwhelming feeling that something wasn’t right Id ever had in my entire life. This was so intense and I knew exactly why. The Dr held the life of my babies in her hands; she was in control of what happened next. I was helpless and could not protect the fate of what could be, what might be and what was going to be. One thing was for sure, all was not well, the uncertainty of our Dr oozed from every pore of her and as an empath I was all too aware and desperately wanted to be wrong.

To spare you all the gory details, the Doctor could not place our embryos in the correct position due to the position of my uterus. I could feel the panic radiate from her immediately, and in that moment I had a choice. I could either feel the full pain that my intuition was pre-warning me about or I could switch it all off and get through each second calm and in control. I could have been hysterical and totally irrational. I could of expressed the full on helplessness my heart was feeling! I chose nothing, blank, neutral, numb and almost removed any connection to the situation altogether and that included our little micro ball of atoms that were ours/mine. To attach to this situation was not an option!

I chose calm. I chose to avoid the incomprehensible pain of the bare facts that “I knew” and rolled with the day as if all was well. I played the game of it will be ok.  Why? Because I was a cat’s whisker away from being a mother, having a family and the reality it was not going to happen was unbearable. For those of you reading this who know about the law of attraction you may go down this avenue of thinking, let me assure you I knew during the “procedure” all was not well! As any empath knows these things. For those of you reading this and do not resonate with the word empath, in short it’s a bit like a superpower you can’t switch off! 🙂

As we sat in the waiting room some days later for the pregnancy test I sat and looked at the empty faces around me of fear, hope and desperation and thought I will never ever come here again, my heart can’t bare this any longer. And I literally felt nothing from that day for a very, very long time. Nothing at all. Would chat happily about the whole thing like it was someone else.

I did not get pregnant and I chose never to put myself through the ordeal ever again. So close, but so far ey. Why on earth would I want to look that feeling in the eye ever again?  Why acknowledge the little potential lives I did once have? What was the point? Because it was too painful to consider this for one single second. This is my one regret. My/our tiny little embryos were boxed off in my mind as failed, irrelevant and unwanted. When in truth they were the furthest thing away from those words.

It was a further eleven years until I could face the emotions of that day. eleven long years. This was when I discovered a lady called Beth Moon , my homeopath, who I often write about. She “seen” me and my inner “truth” that was buried so carefully under a wall of absolute perfection, smiles and “I’m okness”. Up until then I did not know what to do with all the pain and feeling of not being enough. I had no idea where to go or what I would say. Although I was totally ok with not ever getting pregnant I never dealt with the IVF journey and the saddest part was after the “your not pregnant” phone call that was it. No follow up or support was ever offered. 

August 2020 after a reiki session with a friend, from nowhere I found the strength to put these words on this screen and honor this experience, actually feels like I am writing about someone else to be honest.

I 100% am not asking you to read these words in order to pity me or a woe is me tale. I am here in my truth asking you, what have you buried or hidden away from that is with you on a daily basis? What lives in the box of shame, guilt, not enough, or fear? What is holding you back emotionally, physically or spiritually? Read these words and know that things do/can get better and through mindfulness and support you can heal and grow through whatever is holding you back.

The version I am of me now I would try (if I wasn’t too old Lol :)) again to get pregnant and feel every single emotion it all comes with, because I have the support and skill set to deal with all feelings now. I would honor myself by living in my truth and not holding onto pain at all. I would tell people what was happening instead of hiding it all like a dirty secret of shame. I would be kind to my body and my mind too.

In writing this I did have a brief moment when I was really upset, but do you know something, that is what I have avoided. I have avoided “feeling” anything about it, when in actual fact the reality of feeling what I do now is not as intense as I could ever of imagined. I feel free. Such a odd cathartic feeling. And as crazy as this reads, I feel like I no longer hold the energy of the IVF ordeal and the little tiny lives that didn’t quite make it home. I have let go of shame, guilt, blame and regret and in its place is peace and acceptance. But until now I was not ready to take this step! Leaders go first I say, how can I expect you to sit with me in your truth if I have not walked that path first! This is still work in progress and I have no intention of blogging it all!!! This story is to honour my little ones and the much younger version of me that was neglected by me! I have her back ALWAYS!

Finding energy therapy and mindfulness saved me for sure. In a safe, kind environment addressing this issue from a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual level literally helped me let go of so much I didn’t even know I was holding onto, bit by bit. I am forever grateful to my therapists and mentor that supported this process.

My belief in energy and the universal vibrations gives me comfort that we are ALL connected on some level, no matter how tiny. In those cells was a bit of me and bit of someone else that at the time were very much in love, and consequently so much pure love for our embryos, that can never be undone nor denied. It just wasn’t our time. Not in this lifetime in any case.

Every April I think how old my/our baby or babies would have been. I do it with a warm heart, even though they never materialized into humans for a few minutes they were mine and I was theirs, that is a true miracle in itself!

Be brave enough to begin to let go of what never was, or what may never be my darling. Do this with love and compassion. Feel all those emotions in a safe, supported environment so you can live a healthy, wholesome life. Your going forward sweetie, we only look back to remember where we have been, how far we have came and how blessed we are.

Regardless of how hard your lesson was, how you learn and take responsibility of healing and moving forward is something that only you can do, at the right time. There is an abundance of support available, online and in person at the click of a button. You are not alone!

Ps. Robert/Bobby and Paige were my names for those of you that were curious. 🙂

Homework.

What pain have you carried for too long?

What do you feel brave enough to at least acknowledge?

Is it time to set that pain free to heal?

What will it feel once you have peace?

What is the advantages of holding onto what is holding you back?

Written with so much love and most of all truth!

Anne 🙂 x

<<<<<<Vibe;Eddie Vedder; Better days>>>>>>

A few years ago I was sat in a café killing time before a hair appointment.

At the time I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and was internalizing how I was going to move forward in life, with no actual clue!

As I sat mindlessly scrolling through my phone an elderly lady at the next table turned and ask me the time, so I told her. She then said the strangest thing to me, she said, “whatever is on your mind will soon be irrelevant dear, If I was your age again I would live my life so differently, enjoy every single moment”. The way she looked at me and held my gaze was so intense and loaded. I was so taken back my only response was to smile, as I couldn’t speak due to the lump in my throat. I felt “seen” and understood in the most simple yet meaningful of ways.

Her granddaughter then appeared with their drinks and said, “Grandma stop interfering”.  If only the Granddaughter knew the comfort those words had given me.

With hindsight, the lady was one of my tribe, she could “see” me, my truth, and she knew exactly what I needed to hear, I guess she possibly maybe felt the same way at some point in her life perhaps? My regret is that I didn’t chat with her, she seemed so wise and so kind!

From that day on, I thought I would always be kind to those that looked like they needed some compassion and kindness.

For those of you that have not watched the movie Pay it forward, this act of kindness from the lady was a shining example of the message the movie is trying to project.

It took a single tiny moment, just one, and my day looked brighter. I also thought one day (hopefully) I will be the little old lady with a bit of wisdom to offer a stanger in need.

We need not carry the burdens of others and get enmeshed in their “stuff”, but we can be kind and listen, or even just show someone that we “see” them by giving them our time and a “how are you”? And actually listening to their answer. We need not have the answers but quietly listen and offer support and space. Whatever the person is going through is theirs to learn from and grow. NOT YOURS to carry!

So little old lady wherever you are in the realms of this universe thank you for offering kindness to a soul that needed it, even if she didn’t know that at the time!

Homework. Watch the movie Pay it Forward.