Author: Anne Wilson-Blacklock

What are chakras and what is reiki?

If you google chakras and reiki, according to Wikipedia this is what you will find:

Chakras are various focal points used in a variety of ancient meditation practices, collectively denominated as Tantra, or the esoteric or inner traditions of Hinduism. The concept of the chakras arose in the early traditions of Hinduism.

(I had to google the word esoteric and find out what it literally meant, as well as actually reading that paragraph from wikipedia three times and still not really understanding fully.)

(**Esoteric meaning = intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest)

Reiki (霊気) is a Japanese form of energy healing, a type of alternative medicine. Reiki practitioners use a technique called palm healing or hands-on healing through which a “universal energy” is said to be transferred through the palms of the practitioner to the patient in order to encourage emotional or physical healing.”

So there you have it in search engine terms! Please read on for my personal take on these two questions.

In layman’s terms, or should I say my terms.

Chakras are energy points situated in and around the body/aura. (The aura is the energy field around the body, If you are old enough to remember the Ready brek porridge advert I think this explains part of the aura really well.)

I use the chakra system as a map. A map that triggers many question about the multiple dimensions that make up a person physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually! And that’s just the start.

The chakra system is map of where we can go in life, and what we have experienced is influencing our view of the world! That’s the exciting part. Once the main chakra basics are understood and each one looked at individually, it becomes clear where change, action, accountability and healing is required to maintain the status quo and live our lives to the maximum of our true potential. Simple yeah? Simple indeed! Yet here I am, years and years into my research and my own journey, and the more I learn the more doors are opened in terms of education and exploration of life and what it is to be human, above all, what we are truly capable of!

Each chakra point has multiple facets to its existence, here are some of the basics.:


*Basic description


*Endocrine gland and body parts



*Characteristics if its over stimulated

*Characteristics if its closed

*Characteristics of a healthy chakra point

*What specifically affects each point in a positive and negative way/AKA whats supports and what hinders.

How do we know chakras are real?

We don’t! But what a great framework to live by I say! A great basis for accountability and knowledge of self!

The thesis of the chakra system mirrors so many medical, psychology and philosophical models. I think the chakra system is a really simple guide to being a human in this, at times complex existence of society this day and age..

Have you have ever felt dread in the pit of your stomach? (solar plexus) or had an ache in your chest (heart chakra) after the death of a loved one? These are examples of energy points. Yet if you were cut open there is nothing there! Regardless, the feeling of grief and anxiety can be very real and very painful.

In contrast what does it “feel like” to be excited (solar plexus) about something or to fall deeply in love (heart chakra)?

Is a somatic feeling real? The answer is questionable and lots of view points to be had. Pseudoscience has raised many questions these past few years and been a fantastic talking point and wonderful alternative to those who a fact based (Like me). I however, have my facts firmly in place. Reiki works for some, for many in fact. The irony is, the most skeptical of clients appear to often get the most profound results!

To those of you that are consciously awakened to yourself and your environment the answer would be yes, I feel all the feels in my body, or at least the majority. To others, Mmmmmmm you possibly have no idea what I am even talking about, and that’s ok too.

Many would argue that the vagus nerve plays the most part in these sensations Im writing about. So I’m fully on board with this viewpoint as the vagus nerve is the main structure of the chakra system.

The difference in the chakra system compared to medical ‘facts” are, the “being” as a whole is holistically considered regarding the background of each chakra point, taking everything into consideration as the to health of each chakra point. Physical, mental, spiritual and emotional. Not necessarily factual but definitely makes you think about yourself as a whole in graphic detail.

One of the main points of the crown chakra is to “have an open mind to all theories” I love this. Some subjects/theories that I categorically disagree with I find the most intriguing to discuss respectfully. Why? Because I am open to listen to another’s viewpoint! There is a difference between understanding and believing.

The beauty of being open to discuss any topic is a gift indeed and there is always learning to be had. Always.

What does a reiki therapist do with this information?

My intention is to keep this information as simple as possible. So, in short once a vocal consultation is complete, and it’s incredible what a person tells a therapist without consciously knowing. For example; If a client talks about being frightened to take action, unsure and in fear of what others think of him/her, instinctively I would think this is a root and solar plexus chakra issue for example. Yet once the client is on the couch and the treatment is under way, the clients energy can often tell a whole different story. This is when I step into another realm and just go with it, getting lost on a level that is more than meditation and very conscious in the moment of everything and nothing. Very hard to articulate to be honest.

I am more than often surprised what a person presents on a energy level opposed to what is really going on in their verbal truth, and this is the beauty of reiki. Reiki does not assume, question, or judge, reiki is just pure, a unconditional space to be, heal and let go of what no longer serves you, in turn creating space for new chapters! Although the consultation is necessary in all cases, a client’s words and energy do not alway marry up! Energy is in essence a person’s truth “beyond” words! As a therapist, my job is to hold space for that client and ensure that space is safe.

A prime example of this is the end of life work I have do. When I am blessed to share a person’s space in the final days of their life.

One would naturally assume this energy would be difficult to navigate, yet these are some of the most luminary and majestic sessions I ever experienced.

By the time I see my terminally diagnosed clients, they are often taking the most toxic drugs and their body has some sort of dis-ease, yet the energy is often of the purest nature. I am not to question this, I simply hold space and create a window of peace, unconditional space and love. The beautiful soul in front of me always leads the way. This part of my reiki journey leaves me grateful and very amazed every time.

To say it is a privilege to partake in end of life sessions is understatement, to share a person space in someones final days is humbling on a profound level.

SO, getting back to the point! A therapist does nothing with the information given in a consultation! He/She simply listens and concludes what the clients intentions are, whilst listening to what the client isn’t saying.

Intention = what a person needs and wants from their treatment or desired outcome. To create balance or alignment on some level is usually the end game.

But what actually is reiki?

As a blended energy therapist with 25 years experience (basically means I have trained in multiple areas of energy work. (Reflexology, Bio-energy, massage, Shamanic healing, Indian head massage, Yoga) reiki is just one of many feathers in my cap so to speak.

To me, reiki is one the most gentle, simple and effective disciplines that I have trained in.

To the observer the client sits or lies and the therapist either moves their hands over specific points of the body and intuitively seeks balance using a selection of techniques accompanied with a clear mindset. Some therapists physically place their hands on the client while others don’t. There is no right and wrong here. The therapist sets a clear intention and uses ancient symbols to support the clients connection to a place of balance.

The therapist is merely a vessel. The client is 100% in control as to the level of consciousness he or she is ready to explore. No two clients ever had the same experience. Every session is unique as each of us are different by the second, never mind the day.

In my raw truth, I am forever mesmerised by the profound changes and growth I have experienced personally, and witnessed first hand with my own clients! As I type this and gaze out of my window so many beautiful souls flash through my head and I smile, knowing that they are in a much better place through the most simple of processes. They did the work, as a therapist, I simply created a safe space for them to work out what and where change and healing are needed.

How does reiki help balance the energy system?

In this overstimulated world that we live in, there has never been a better time for a holistic approach to how we live our lives.

I am over the moon to see the massive increase and #trend in somatic energy practitioners, mindfulness, yoga/meditation teachers and person centred life coaches. These influences are subtle yet can have a major effect on a person wellbeing as a whole.

I’ve listed below the five basic reiki principles associated. All very simple and very easy to implement into every day living..

The 5 principles of Reiki are:

1. Just for today, I will not be angry. This is simple and easy, but yet so effective. Say this out loud to yourself while looking in the mirror in the morning. Tell yourself you are not allowing anger to be a part of your day and that it is not needed or warranted in your day—just for today.

2. Just for today, I will not worry. Worry is a feeling we manifest due to our fear of not being enough or having enough. Once you realize you are enough and have everything you need, worry will disappear, even if just for today.

3. Just for today, I will be grateful. Being thankful for what you have and what you are able to give is something we tend to forget. We lose track of how much we have and focus on things we don’t or think we should have. Remember how good things are now and how abundant your life is, if just for today.

4. Just for today, I will do my work honestly. We tend to cut corners, skimp on things to get the project done in time or save a penny or two here and there. In the grand scheme, this thinking might not be the most honest way possible. We keep convincing our selves it’s okay just this one time or no one will know if I do it just this once. Do not fall for that thought or notion, if just for today.

6. Just for today I will be kind to every living thing. In Buddhism we believe in reincarnation, and that all creatures could have been our mothers in a previous life, so therefore we treat all living creatures in this lifetime with the kindness and respect we show our mother in this life time. If you really understand that simple but strong thought you will treat all mankind with the same kindness and respect shown to your mother, if just for today.

(5 principles by )

This way of thinking is a small part of the reiki teachings. I think this explains how reiki living can balance your life.


In medical terms a placebo is a medicine given to a patient that has no ingredient.

Reiki however, is loaded with clear intentions, boundaries and A LOT of time and effort is invested in learning how to be a reputable practitioner. I can only speak for myself!

When I sit and work it out, I think it took me around 20 years to fully “get it” and surrender to the natural anomaly that is energy healing work. Even now I have moments of “how does this really work”!?

Is reiki simply a placebo? I really do not concern myself with this question anymore. I have gathered enough evidence that has calmed my forever inquisitive mind, and if this is the case then so be it.

All I know is that I found it life changing and gained the humble insight to have watched others step through and out of suffering, in turn live a life on their terms, or death in some cases.

Is intention enough?

Every action has a reaction! If you do something with cruel intention and mindset vs something with love and compassion for the greater good, the outcome is very different for all concerned. I’d say intention is a pretty powerful indeed. Whether your actions/intention are seen immediately or long term, all our actions have a reaction somehow. AKA a form of energy in motion. Cause and effect.

We all know someone that is full of life and always so happy, in contrast we all know a grumpasaurus! The energy these two characters emit is tangible.

Two very different characters with two very different mindset and intentions!

How do you feel when being around these two different types of people? Drained, empowered, heavy, light, inspired, the list goes on. Intention affects others around us.

This is also an example of energy too.

What is energy?

Everything is energy, EVERYTHING! From the way your eyes and brain process this blog to the effort it takes you to speak, hear and move. There are a trillion different catalysts need to happen in your body every second to keep you alive and functioning, all requires energy. One teeny weeny atom having a chain reaction with the next. Atoms make up everything in the universe.

The natural daylight you see, which is actually eight minutes away takes a huge amount of energy to reach your eyes as the sun is 93 million miles away! That’s a whole blog in itself! This is energy.

Photosynthesis is an example of energy!

The process of eating and conversion to energy to live is a very complex and intriguing chain of catalysts, that is energy at its finests!

Read my energy journey below.

What if we take this to a somatic level? Do you ever meet someone and get that “gut feeling”? The one where you have absolutely zero evidence but something feels “off” then in time your “feeling” is confirmed? This is a form of energy! Not privy to everyone I may add, or at least not consciously.

Have you ever been chatting about someone you have not seen for years and then within days voilaaaaarrrr you bump into them or they call! This is a form of energy. (law of attraction)

Energy comes in all sorts of examples but ultimately as I said, energy is everything, therefore, reiki is a form of energy therapy based on ancient disciplines and pure intentions. More importantly, it works and that’s all that matters to me personally!

I have tagged a interesting in depth explanation of the history of reiki below. By no means are you going to be qualified, but you will be much better informed.


Reiki is not simple to explain. Love is.

To me, reiki is the highest form of love, forever and always intriguing me. These days reiki feels like air as I practice reiki so much in my everyday life.

Do we need to be qualified to send unconditional love and healing to another being? My truth is no we do not.

Love, I mean pure unconditional, detached love is simple, kind, pure and available to us all at any point. Working through barriers and layers of ingrained patterning is perhaps not so easy, but with effort and commitment anything is possible.

If we can love ourselves and others with healthy boundaries, morals, values and clear intention, this is a beautiful way to “be” in my opinion?

Whether you say a prayer, light a candle, hold someone dear in a warm embrace or even wish someone the very best, you my dear friend are performing energetic alchemy and making this world a better place.

Ps, please include yourself in your love and intentions

Written with warm, kind, unconditional love and intentions.

Namaste darling.


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1095 days of conscious living!

Reiki Cumbria

It has been three whole years since a drop of alcohol (or poison as I like to call it now. Lol. Oh yes, I am converted indeed) has entered my body!

This is a sentence I thought I would never type. Yet single handedly one of my greatest decisions ever made.

My journey as a yoga teacher really triggered many questions in my head about how I was treating my body. My vision was clear. The yogic mindset really resonated with me and for me to teach congruently I really had to make a few shifts in my conscious behavior. In essence walk my talk. My diet is reasonably good, I am a vegetarian that eats little to no dairy and am so mindful of what I put into my body yet was happy to put poison in my body every Saturday? Made zero sense. I am by no means tarring everyone with the same brush, these are simply my sets of beliefs that resonate with my map of the world.

My work at The Sanctuary has evolved over the past years. Addiction is something that has been addressed on many occasions. Addiction to alcohol, recreational/prescription drugs, gambling, pornography, shopping to name just a few. Not all addiction is so obvious. So many have functional addictions that they secretly hide from the world. I hope this blog will empower many of you to break the cycles of habitual sabotage and live your best life! One tiny step at a time will lead to big changes!

I’ve taken so much strength from so many of you that have walked your path out of addiction with courage, stepping into your truth and in turn living your best life. You have all inspired me and still do to this very day! I am humbled to share your space!

It took just one simple sentence from a dear friend.

I decided to do sober October and my friend David said “no way, you will never quit”. That’s all he said. I thought Oh my days he is right. What started off as a ego/pride thing soon turned into something magical.

All was slowly being revealed to me from the universe.

We were well known for our parties and gatherings, all fuelled by alcohol, games and food, my husband and I had certainly partied like it 1999 for way, way too long.

Since the death of a dear friend we celebrated life and love to the max, but not necessarily in a healthy way. We used our dear friends death as an excuse to self-sabotage our bodies and to justify the habit of cracking open that celebratory bottle/s of whatever poison was our choice.

We watched our friend die of cancer, his body suffered the greatest of pain and yet here we were drinking a liquid that is scientifically proven to increase our chances of all sorts of disease. It’s only now on reflection I see the absolute irony in our choices!

Did we have fun? What I can remember yes!

Was it worth it? Yes because without that life choice I would not know the bliss of this life choice! And in the words of Joseph Campbell I have found my bliss! Through a series of tiny decisions and commitment it is here. In a simple, mindful way of life.

Let me get the negatives out of the way before I start to tell you how utterly amazing I feel living a life with minimal toxins in my body.

None! That’s what I want to type but that would not be my truth!

  • I have zero tolerance when around anyone even the slightest bit tipsy. As soon as I see that glazed look I am out! Something in me cuts off and I have absolutely zero interest in the conversation. Harsh! But my truth.
  • I crave authenticity now more than ever. Alcohol changes how a person “is” and as a sensitive soul I feel this somatically more than think it. This is a feeling that is so huge my rational brain cannot keep up.
  • You know when someone has broken wind and you want to get away because the smell offends your nose. Well drunkenness on any level offends my aura! (TMI but I needed a powerful metaphor)
  • I can tolerate my nearest and dearest, It’s the strangest thing. Like my irritability is selective. I am working on this btw, it’s a me thing not a them thing!
  • I am judgmental at times and I HATE this. When I see people guzzle into their bottle of plonk or knock back the spirit of choice, I think two things. One, oh I miss that feeling of fuzziness and two if you knew what that liquid was really doing to your beautiful body long term you would be horrified.
  • I miss being part of the ritual of sharing alcohol. I miss that feeling of sitting down and sharing a bottle of red wine with my tribe. I loved the taste, smell and feeling.
  • I have the energy and enthusiasm of a class full of reception children. I actually find myself annoying at times. I AM BOUNCING with ideas and have a zest for life that is off the scale. I am still adjusting to this. I have to really wind it down most of the time and try to behave normal! Tis a task. Alcohol used to somehow tame my energy and dull me down. That ship has sailed!
  • I am way too opinionated on the subject of alcohol consumption. When it comes to any form of suffering or dis-ease of the mind or body. I see that people still choose to engorge themselves with poison and I think why can you not see this is making things a whole lot worse, Its crystal clear to me.  I see it more on media. The weekend jovial, high energy posts then the Monday dower post, memes and quotes about woe is me and how the world is so tough. It is in plain sight. Depression and anxiety are both dramatically enhanced by the after effects of alcohol yet it is very rarely talked about generally. The antidote being just take a tablet rather than alter your choices, behaviour and general actions. This may sound harsh to some. This is not my intention. If you think the answers to your problems will be rectified in the bottom of a bottle or glass i am simply saying this is not the case. The feelings raised when taking away alcohol is the issue, when there is no where to hide and feelings are raw! If you can learn to manage your mind, body and emotional wellbeing the way you would care for your new born baby, with ultimate love and compassion, seeking help and support where you can, then surely you can see the wisdom in this. It’s not easy but it is life changing! Rant over!
  • My taste buds have changed. I crave sweet things, which is new to me. Never a fan tbh, now I love all the naughty vegan snacks I can find. I often fancy “something” to eat but never know what, I think this is my brain trying to fill the void that my trustee G&T filled.
  • It can be a very alone place to be being so “awake” to the world. With alcohol consumption every evening/every weekend becoming the norm by the month, it can be difficult sometimes to find other humans on the same page. But then I realise that my lifestyle is extreme and I can adjust my vibe accordingly, winding my opinionated little neck in! I still buy my husband his favourite poison, as being poison free is my choice not his and I want him to be comfortable. His alcohol consumption has dramatically decreased. He drinks a couple of times a month and really enjoys it. I try to stay quiet! Lol!

The positives.

  • I am sooooooo well. My body, skin, hair, mind just feels light and bright. I have not lost weight but I have changed shape. My waist is tiny and my tummy fairly flat with not much effort. My body changed so slowly that I didn’t really notice for many months. Lost that wine bloat, that I didn’t know I had.
  • Sleep. I sleep so much better than I have in years.
  • Menopause. The aches, pains and hot flashes are dramatically diminished to a level that’s virtually not even a thing now.
  • My mind is so clear all of the time (most of the time, that was more wishful thinking), like I see, feel, smell, taste and hear things on a extra sensitive level. It’s hard to explain. To be without the fog of alcohol or a hangover literally feels like a veil is lifted
  • I get so much done every day. Because I am more focused and have all this energy I achieve so much in a day and more importantly I have the energy to do whatever needs done with lightening precision.
  •  I feel all the feels. There’s been some pretty tough times over this past three years. Really tough in fact. To be in these raw emotions with such awareness and high intensity is cathartic and has abled me to process all the situations in a healthy way, painfully so or otherwise I feel like I have dealt with life much wiser and much kinder way. There is no way I could have delt with the last two years in such a balanced way had I still been drinking! NO WAY!
  • Intimacy and connection with my husband is off the scale. We are in the honeymoon period again for sure. Physically our connection is conscious and very beautiful and very real.
  • The gym and yoga. I have more strength and stamina than ever before; my injuries are very rare and if so the recovery short.
  • No more beer fear! EVER again!!!!! If you are unsure what I am referring to than its the moment you open your eyes after a night out and think “OMG what did i do/say!? What have I organised or agreed to, and now in my sober mind does not want to attend!? NO more checking your phone to see what utter rubbish you have either posted on media or text ! Or even worse trying to work out what you said and the reason your other half is not speaking to you! No more of these shenanigans! Horrrrahyyyyyyy!
  • My tribe has changed. Some are new and others I don’t see so much these days, and that is ok. We no longer meet in bars. My gatherings are in cafés and restaurants or outdoors and the quality of conversation is very deep and very real, raw at times. I feel genuine connection and love in the safe space that we hold. For this I am eternally grateful. Far outweighs alcohol fuelled conversations of the past. Makes me cringe on reflection tbh!
  • I am settled in my ways and routine, genuinely settled. Life is certainly not perfect but life is good. The levels of consciousness that I live at now are almost meditative at times. To be “in” life fully awake is like the universe showing me a natural high in the collective connection of it all. I have experienced death, pain, stress, worry, laughter and love all at this level. No fine wine or organic spirit could or will ever replace the joy life has shown me on this journey. Please don’t read this and think it has been a breeze! But it has been worth it.

By the time I actually decided to stop alcohol intake I was down to one bottle of wine a week. I would drink this on a Saturday followed but double the amount of water, it was becoming such a effort. I looked forward to the wine but as soon as I was finish I needed it out of my body and was so tired the next day as I would be on the toilet all night. Sounds bonkers writing this!

Breaking the pattern of having a casual drink was much, much harder than I anticipated. What did really help my mindset was the books I read at the time.

Once the penny dropped and the full horror what alcohol does to us ALL hit home, how the government fund so, so many alcohol related issues yet profit out of selling the product in the first place (really) and how glamourised it is to be a drinker dawned on me I WAS DONE!

This is my list of favorite books from three years ago.

The naked mind by Annie Grace

The sober diaries by Claire Poorly

Atomic habit by James Clear

Solve to happy by Mo Gawdat

The unexpected Joy of being Sober by Catherine Grey

Kick the drink easily by Jason Vale

I need to add. As this is a major player in my journey. I had been stopped drinking 14 months when my Mum passed away. My Father found her cold lifeless body outside. She had went to out to put the bins outside in the main bin. She tripped and hit her head on the coldest day of the year. She died of hypothermia.

As I sat in their living room surrounded by the police and whoever else was swarming the premises all I could focus on was two things, My Mums distinct tiny frame covered by a blanket and the bag of rubbish next to her. A bottle of Gordons gin and schweppes tonic lay within the rubbish. In that moment I knew I would never ever drink again!

Written with love, light and truth


If you would like to join me for your self development journey please go to the contact page on my website and complete my online consultation form

Change starts with you!

Letting go!

<<<<<Vibe: Cold little heart; Michael Kiwanuka>>>>>

The most important thing is your homeworks at the end of this! 🙂

The gift of detachment, personal growth and healing!

Praise be for the added skill I have/had of detachment. This has certainly been a superpower in many moments of great anguish. One above all in particular.

As empaths or sensitive souls the level of emotion we feel at times can be so overwhelming that we cut off (self preservation response), emotionally, physically and spiritually for our own wellbeing. This is certainly not a trait for all of you. For those of you that have not yet learned the art of detachment, I send you so much healing, for the burden of pain you carry my friend. To educate yourself on the life of an empath would be highly beneficial to you and your mindset.

The day I knew I could detach.

The story is irrelevant but the moral is not. It is a story of empowerment and how living your truth can set you free, and that hiding away from your emotions is eventually going to catch up with you, one way or another.

This story is only a really small part of my journey, yet the impact of not addressing “my truth” and my “heartache” has been enormous.

April 2001. Sat for yet another fertility appointment in the IVF suit at the center of life in Newcastle, with a heart full of hope and secretly planning what baby names I would choose. 🙂

Today was an appointment with a difference.

After weeks of a complex concoction of drugs, and very painful, equally complex procedures, this was the day. Two little embryos would get placed into their mother’s womb where they belonged. This is where I would protect them with the ferocity of a lioness and with every fibre of l have, lovingly nurture them until we could meet. 🙂

This was the day our little miracles of life would “come home “ so to speak. And with my then husband by my side here we were, so excited we made it to the day (for those familiar with IVF you will know it’s amazing to get to this stage). Our two perfect embryos were on the screen, me ready, (In the most awkward position ever) and the Doctor. This was the day. The day life was created and the beginning of our family.

All was well until “the feeling” something was wrong washed over me. You may know this as a gut feeling or intuition.

This was the most overwhelming feeling that something wasn’t right Id ever had in my entire life. This was so intense and I knew exactly why. The Dr held the life of my babies in her hands; she was in control of what happened next. I was helpless and could not protect the fate of what could be, what might be and what was going to be. One thing was for sure, all was not well, the uncertainty of our Dr oozed from every pore of her and as an empath I was all too aware and desperately wanted to be wrong.

To spare you all the gory details, the Doctor could not place our embryos in the correct position due to the position of my uterus. I could feel the panic radiate from her immediately, and in that moment I had a choice. I could either feel the full pain that my intuition was pre-warning me about or I could switch it all off and get through each second calm and in control. I could have been hysterical and totally irrational. I could of expressed the full on helplessness my heart was feeling! I chose nothing, blank, neutral, numb and almost removed any connection to the situation altogether and that included our little micro ball of atoms that were ours/mine. To attach to this situation was not an option!

I chose calm. I chose to avoid the incomprehensible pain of the bare facts that “I knew” and rolled with the day as if all was well. I played the game of it will be ok.  Why? Because I was a cat’s whisker away from being a mother, having a family and the reality it was not going to happen was unbearable. For those of you reading this who know about the law of attraction you may go down this avenue of thinking, let me assure you I knew during the “procedure” all was not well! As any empath knows these things. For those of you reading this and do not resonate with the word empath, in short it’s a bit like a superpower you can’t switch off! 🙂

As we sat in the waiting room some days later for the pregnancy test I sat and looked at the empty faces around me of fear, hope and desperation and thought I will never ever come here again, my heart can’t bare this any longer. And I literally felt nothing from that day for a very, very long time. Nothing at all. Would chat happily about the whole thing like it was someone else.

I did not get pregnant and I chose never to put myself through the ordeal ever again. So close, but so far ey. Why on earth would I want to look that feeling in the eye ever again?  Why acknowledge the little potential lives I did once have? What was the point? Because it was too painful to consider this for one single second. This is my one regret. My/our tiny little embryos were boxed off in my mind as failed, irrelevant and unwanted. When in truth they were the furthest thing away from those words.

It was a further eleven years until I could face the emotions of that day. eleven long years. This was when I discovered a lady called Beth Moon , my homeopath, who I often write about. She “seen” me and my inner “truth” that was buried so carefully under a wall of absolute perfection, smiles and “I’m okness”. Up until then I did not know what to do with all the pain and feeling of not being enough. I had no idea where to go or what I would say. Although I was totally ok with not ever getting pregnant I never dealt with the IVF journey and the saddest part was after the “your not pregnant” phone call that was it. No follow up or support was ever offered. 

August 2020 after a reiki session with a friend, from nowhere I found the strength to put these words on this screen and honor this experience, actually feels like I am writing about someone else to be honest.

I 100% am not asking you to read these words in order to pity me or a woe is me tale. I am here in my truth asking you, what have you buried or hidden away from that is with you on a daily basis? What lives in the box of shame, guilt, not enough, or fear? What is holding you back emotionally, physically or spiritually? Read these words and know that things do/can get better and through mindfulness and support you can heal and grow through whatever is holding you back.

The version I am of me now I would try (if I wasn’t too old Lol :)) again to get pregnant and feel every single emotion it all comes with, because I have the support and skill set to deal with all feelings now. I would honor myself by living in my truth and not holding onto pain at all. I would tell people what was happening instead of hiding it all like a dirty secret of shame. I would be kind to my body and my mind too.

In writing this I did have a brief moment when I was really upset, but do you know something, that is what I have avoided. I have avoided “feeling” anything about it, when in actual fact the reality of feeling what I do now is not as intense as I could ever of imagined. I feel free. Such a odd cathartic feeling. And as crazy as this reads, I feel like I no longer hold the energy of the IVF ordeal and the little tiny lives that didn’t quite make it home. I have let go of shame, guilt, blame and regret and in its place is peace and acceptance. But until now I was not ready to take this step! Leaders go first I say, how can I expect you to sit with me in your truth if I have not walked that path first! This is still work in progress and I have no intention of blogging it all!!! This story is to honour my little ones and the much younger version of me that was neglected by me! I have her back ALWAYS!

Finding energy therapy and mindfulness saved me for sure. In a safe, kind environment addressing this issue from a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual level literally helped me let go of so much I didn’t even know I was holding onto, bit by bit. I am forever grateful to my therapists and mentor that supported this process.

My belief in energy and the universal vibrations gives me comfort that we are ALL connected on some level, no matter how tiny. In those cells was a bit of me and bit of someone else that at the time were very much in love, and consequently so much pure love for our embryos, that can never be undone nor denied. It just wasn’t our time. Not in this lifetime in any case.

Every April I think how old my/our baby or babies would have been. I do it with a warm heart, even though they never materialized into humans for a few minutes they were mine and I was theirs, that is a true miracle in itself!

Be brave enough to begin to let go of what never was, or what may never be my darling. Do this with love and compassion. Feel all those emotions in a safe, supported environment so you can live a healthy, wholesome life. Your going forward sweetie, we only look back to remember where we have been, how far we have came and how blessed we are.

Regardless of how hard your lesson was, how you learn and take responsibility of healing and moving forward is something that only you can do, at the right time. There is an abundance of support available, online and in person at the click of a button. You are not alone!

Ps. Robert/Bobby and Paige were my names for those of you that were curious. 🙂


What pain have you carried for too long?

What do you feel brave enough to at least acknowledge?

Is it time to set that pain free to heal?

What will it feel once you have peace?

What is the advantages of holding onto what is holding you back?

Written with so much love and most of all truth!

Anne 🙂 x