<<<<<Vibe: Cold little heart; Michael Kiwanuka>>>>>
The most important thing is your homeworks at the end of this! 🙂
The gift of detachment, personal growth and healing!
Praise be for the added skill I have/had of detachment. This has certainly been a superpower in many moments of great anguish. One above all in particular.
As empaths or sensitive souls the level of emotion we feel at times can be so overwhelming that we cut off (self preservation response), emotionally, physically and spiritually for our own wellbeing. This is certainly not a trait for all of you. For those of you that have not yet learned the art of detachment, I send you so much healing, for the burden of pain you carry my friend. To educate yourself on the life of an empath would be highly beneficial to you and your mindset.
The day I knew I could detach.
The story is irrelevant but the moral is not. It is a story of empowerment and how living your truth can set you free, and that hiding away from your emotions is eventually going to catch up with you, one way or another.
This story is only a really small part of my journey, yet the impact of not addressing “my truth” and my “heartache” has been enormous.
April 2001. Sat for yet another fertility appointment in the IVF suit at the center of life in Newcastle, with a heart full of hope and secretly planning what baby names I would choose. 🙂
Today was an appointment with a difference.
After weeks of a complex concoction of drugs, and very painful, equally complex procedures, this was the day. Two little embryos would get placed into their mother’s womb where they belonged. This is where I would protect them with the ferocity of a lioness and with every fibre of l have, lovingly nurture them until we could meet. 🙂
This was the day our little miracles of life would “come home “ so to speak. And with my then husband by my side here we were, so excited we made it to the day (for those familiar with IVF you will know it’s amazing to get to this stage). Our two perfect embryos were on the screen, me ready, (In the most awkward position ever) and the Doctor. This was the day. The day life was created and the beginning of our family.
All was well until “the feeling” something was wrong washed over me. You may know this as a gut feeling or intuition.
This was the most overwhelming feeling that something wasn’t right Id ever had in my entire life. This was so intense and I knew exactly why. The Dr held the life of my babies in her hands; she was in control of what happened next. I was helpless and could not protect the fate of what could be, what might be and what was going to be. One thing was for sure, all was not well, the uncertainty of our Dr oozed from every pore of her and as an empath I was all too aware and desperately wanted to be wrong.
To spare you all the gory details, the Doctor could not place our embryos in the correct position due to the position of my uterus. I could feel the panic radiate from her immediately, and in that moment I had a choice. I could either feel the full pain that my intuition was pre-warning me about or I could switch it all off and get through each second calm and in control. I could have been hysterical and totally irrational. I could of expressed the full on helplessness my heart was feeling! I chose nothing, blank, neutral, numb and almost removed any connection to the situation altogether and that included our little micro ball of atoms that were ours/mine. To attach to this situation was not an option!
I chose calm. I chose to avoid the incomprehensible pain of the bare facts that “I knew” and rolled with the day as if all was well. I played the game of it will be ok. Why? Because I was a cat’s whisker away from being a mother, having a family and the reality it was not going to happen was unbearable. For those of you reading this who know about the law of attraction you may go down this avenue of thinking, let me assure you I knew during the “procedure” all was not well! As any empath knows these things. For those of you reading this and do not resonate with the word empath, in short it’s a bit like a superpower you can’t switch off! 🙂
As we sat in the waiting room some days later for the pregnancy test I sat and looked at the empty faces around me of fear, hope and desperation and thought I will never ever come here again, my heart can’t bare this any longer. And I literally felt nothing from that day for a very, very long time. Nothing at all. Would chat happily about the whole thing like it was someone else.
I did not get pregnant and I chose never to put myself through the ordeal ever again. So close, but so far ey. Why on earth would I want to look that feeling in the eye ever again? Why acknowledge the little potential lives I did once have? What was the point? Because it was too painful to consider this for one single second. This is my one regret. My/our tiny little embryos were boxed off in my mind as failed, irrelevant and unwanted. When in truth they were the furthest thing away from those words.
It was a further eleven years until I could face the emotions of that day. eleven long years. This was when I discovered a lady called Beth Moon , my homeopath, who I often write about. She “seen” me and my inner “truth” that was buried so carefully under a wall of absolute perfection, smiles and “I’m okness”. Up until then I did not know what to do with all the pain and feeling of not being enough. I had no idea where to go or what I would say. Although I was totally ok with not ever getting pregnant I never dealt with the IVF journey and the saddest part was after the “your not pregnant” phone call that was it. No follow up or support was ever offered.
August 2020 after a reiki session with a friend, from nowhere I found the strength to put these words on this screen and honor this experience, actually feels like I am writing about someone else to be honest.
I 100% am not asking you to read these words in order to pity me or a woe is me tale. I am here in my truth asking you, what have you buried or hidden away from that is with you on a daily basis? What lives in the box of shame, guilt, not enough, or fear? What is holding you back emotionally, physically or spiritually? Read these words and know that things do/can get better and through mindfulness and support you can heal and grow through whatever is holding you back.
The version I am of me now I would try (if I wasn’t too old Lol :)) again to get pregnant and feel every single emotion it all comes with, because I have the support and skill set to deal with all feelings now. I would honor myself by living in my truth and not holding onto pain at all. I would tell people what was happening instead of hiding it all like a dirty secret of shame. I would be kind to my body and my mind too.
In writing this I did have a brief moment when I was really upset, but do you know something, that is what I have avoided. I have avoided “feeling” anything about it, when in actual fact the reality of feeling what I do now is not as intense as I could ever of imagined. I feel free. Such a odd cathartic feeling. And as crazy as this reads, I feel like I no longer hold the energy of the IVF ordeal and the little tiny lives that didn’t quite make it home. I have let go of shame, guilt, blame and regret and in its place is peace and acceptance. But until now I was not ready to take this step! Leaders go first I say, how can I expect you to sit with me in your truth if I have not walked that path first! This is still work in progress and I have no intention of blogging it all!!! This story is to honour my little ones and the much younger version of me that was neglected by me! I have her back ALWAYS!
Finding energy therapy and mindfulness saved me for sure. In a safe, kind environment addressing this issue from a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual level literally helped me let go of so much I didn’t even know I was holding onto, bit by bit. I am forever grateful to my therapists and mentor that supported this process.
My belief in energy and the universal vibrations gives me comfort that we are ALL connected on some level, no matter how tiny. In those cells was a bit of me and bit of someone else that at the time were very much in love and in that was so much pure love for our embryos, that can never be undone nor denied. It just wasn’t our time. Not in this lifetime in any case.
Every April I think how old my/our baby or babies would have been. I do it with a warm heart, even though they never materialized into humans for a few minutes they were mine and I was theirs, that is a true miracle in itself!
Be brave enough to begin to let go of what never was, or what may be never will be my darling. Do this with love and compassion. Feel all those emotions in a safe, supported environment so you can live a healthy, wholesome life. Your going forward sweetie, we only look back to remember where we have been, how far we have came and how blessed we are.
Regardless of how hard your lesson was, how you learn and take responsibility of healing and moving forward is something that only you can do, at the right time. There is an abundance of support available, online and in person at the click of a button. You are not alone!
Ps. Robert/Bobby and Paige were my names for those of you that were curious. 🙂
What pain have you carried for too long?
What do you feel brave enough to at least acknowledge?
Is it time to set that pain free to heal?
What will it feel once you have peace?
What is the advantages of holding onto what is holding you back?
Written with so much love and most of all truth!
Anne 🙂 x