The Loss of Loved Ones

From my perspective, grief is like falling in love.

One day, someone enters your life from nowhere. At first, everything is unfamiliar, so many unknowns.  Love doesn’t happen immediately, and neither does the full experience of grief.  I fell into grief; it was literally like grief at first sight.

One moment, my life was full, in every way.  Privileged, grounded in certainty and love. The next, everything I knew was transformed in a heartbeat. If I’m honest, life now is unrecognisable from what it once was. In a space of 4 years the loss I experienced was unthinkable and acutely traumatic on multiple levels. If it was not for the skills I have professionally I do not know how I would have coped as I have.

In the beginning, grief felt like my arch enemy. It brought nothing but pain, resentment, and acute pain and suffering.  But now, grief is my companion.  Grief reminds me that I was once fortunate enough to have known love so unconditional, so pure, that even now, when I speak the names of my people, my tribe, who are no longer here in body, I smile. Just as I smile while writing these words. Others times the pain is like a hot knife that cuts so quickly and so deep. The ever changing face of grief is something I have learned to accept and no longer bargain with.

But this transformation didn’t happen overnight. It took time. A long time. And it took deliberate, conscious action to help myself.  My journey through grief is still ongoing, it’s a process, not a destination, accepting this was my first step that brought me comfort.

If you’re reading this and lost in your own grief, I hope you find even a flicker of connection, and some measure of comfort.  Because, just like falling in love, grief changes you.  It opens you.  It breaks you and remakes you.  And eventually, if you let it, grief teaches you how to carry what you have lost, not with despair, but with devotion. Devotion to your healing.

Loving someone teaches you how to live with them.  Grieving them teaches you how to live without them, while still loving them all the same.

The Day It All Began with an end.

“Darling, I have something to tell you”, my husband said, his voice trembling. “Please, sit down.” In our 20 years together, I had never seen him look so terrified, his head buried in his hands, he seemed strangely so tall, and I felt so, so small. “I don’t know how to tell you this sweetheart.”

Naturally, I assumed the worst: he must be having an affair, and I am about to become a single parent to these dogs and our crazy cat. I stood up, bracing myself. “Geoff, oh my God, what is it?”, in my head thinking “who is she”?

He looked at me for what felt like an eternity. “Please, sit down, sweetheart.”, the colour drained from his face and his eyes welled with tears.  OMG, I thought who is sheeeeeeeee?!!! My heart was racing, and the full lioness mode was activated, defence was my first response. “TELL ME”!

But sitting down wasn’t an option. “Just tell me,” I insisted.

“Your mam has had an accident and…” And what I said” “She has died, I’m so, so sorry.” He motioned towards me to hold me.

“What are you talking about?” I screamed, wishing it were an affair instead. “Get away from me! No, no, no!” I repeated over and over again, my voice escalating. In that primal moment, I irrationally believed that pushing him away would make his words untrue. It seemed impossible.

“Get the hell away from me, get away, stop saying those things, get out”. As I screamed and became more irrational, he became calmer, still as a lion and looked at me so helplessly. He was, and still is my antidote in any crisis, always so solid and so calm but in that moment,

I didn’t like him or his awful words that were filtering through my brain’s neuro pathways. This was my first initiation into a club I certainly did NOT want to join, “The Grief Club”.

Suddenly, a person becomes a mere image on your phone or a cherished photograph at home. Physically, they’re gone, never to be held or spoken to in person again. The enormity of such loss is indescribable, and no one can prepare you for it. For those who haven’t experienced profound grief or deep attachment, I envy your unawareness of this void. For those that know complex grief and grief, I am so sorry you resonate with me here! I see you; I really do.

Grief is a profound emotional response to loss, most often triggered by the death of a loved one but also by significant life changing event such as, divorce, job loss, or moving away from a cherished home. Our feelings and emotions for loss can be people, pets, places and things. It is a natural, deeply personal experience, shaping itself differently for everyone.

Though sorrow may seem overwhelming, understanding the nature of grief and learning how to help oneself and others can make the journey more bearable and, ultimately, foster healing.  

When I say I know grief, I mean I truly know grief. We all have choices on how to navigate personal loss, and at first, I did get a lot wrong, but now I am confident that I can navigate the waters of loss peacefully, a peaceful sadness. The following sections to this document gives a descriptive summary of my experience in a very basic way.

What Is Grief?

Grief is not a singular emotion, but a complex tapestry woven from sadness, anger, disbelief, guilt, relief, confusion, and even moments of joy or gratitude for memories shared. It is a process, not an event, and it ebbs and flows, sometimes gently, sometimes with crushing force that cannot be described, it’s only through experience this is truly understood. There is no correct way to grieve, nor a standard timeline for how long grief should last.

Grief can affect every dimension of a person’s life:

• Emotional: Feelings of sadness, anger, irritability, despair, or numbness.
• Physical: Fatigue, headaches, changes in appetite, difficulty sleeping, or even aches and pains without clear medical cause.
• Cognitive: Trouble concentrating, memory lapses, confusion, or persistent thoughts about the loss.
• Behavioural: Withdrawal from social activities, changes in routine, or increased reliance on substances or distractions.
• Spiritual: Questioning beliefs, seeking meaning, or feeling disconnected from previous sources of comfort.

The Stages and Faces of Grief (Some of them!)

While many people are familiar with the “five stages of grief” model, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance the modern understanding recognises that grief is more circular than linear.  

People may revisit stages or experience several at once, and not everyone experiences all of them.  Other models, such as Worden’s Tasks of Mourning or the Dual Process Model, emphasise the work that grief entails and the oscillation between confronting the loss and engaging with life’s ongoing demands.

Common Experiences in Grief

• Shock and Disbelief: An initial sense of numbness or denial is common as the mind absorbs the reality of the loss.
• Yearning and Searching: A deep longing for the person or situation lost can create a sense of emptiness or restlessness.
• Disorganization and Despair: Life may feel chaotic; sadness, anger, or guilt can surface unpredictably.
• Reorganization and Integration: Gradually, individuals begin to find new routines, meaning, and even joy, while carrying the memory of their loss forward.
• Relief. In many cases we can feel utter relief our loved on is no longer suffering! This can be confusing. Anyone who has watch someone die will resonate.

Helping Yourself Through Grief

Grieving is tough, but there are ways to gently support your own healing:

1. Allow Yourself to Feel

Suppressing or denying grief can prolong pain. Allow yourself to cry, to feel anger, to reminisce, or even to laugh. All emotions are valid. As with anything healthy boundaries are important too.

2. Seek Support

Grief can feel isolating, but you are not alone. Lean on friends, family, or support groups. Sometimes, just having someone to listen without judgment or advice can bring comfort.

3. Prioritise Self-Care

Loss can drain energy, so attending to basic needs is essential. Eat nourishing food, rest when you can, and try gentle movement or walks in nature.

4. Create Rituals and Memorials

Honouring your loss can be healing. Light a candle, create a scrapbook, plant a tree, or join a ceremony.  These acts provide space to reflect and remember. I personally like to have photographs out in prominent places, so my mind was gently exposed to reality.

5. Practice Patience

Grieving is not a race. Healing takes as long as it needs, and setbacks are normal. Be gentle with yourself and avoid judging your progress.  Patience is a skill that takes time, more so when we are suffering and in pain. If you have been conditioned to be emotionally quiet and “just get on with it”, then this could be the singular worst action you could take.

Patience with yourself is imperative, especially if those around you are behaving like all is or “should be” well. Seeking control, although feels natural is just an avoidance of reality, long term grief shows up in other guises, physically, mentally and emotionally.

6. Express Yourself

Journaling, art, music, or other creative outlets can be powerful ways to process complex feelings that may be difficult to voice. Shout, scream, talk in a safe space. Get your feelings out. In a healthy way. I did a lot of yoga and spent lots of time on the beach with my dogs. Nature really helped in a silent way, so did being alone with the enormity of my suffering.

7. Consider Professional Help

If grief becomes overwhelming or prolonged, manifesting as depression, anxiety, or inability to function, seeking therapy or counselling may provide valuable support and guidance. The hardest part is admitting we need help! I know this all too well.

How to Help Others in Grief

Supporting a grieving person is both a privilege and a challenge. Though you cannot “fix” their pain, your presence and empathy can make a significant difference, with healthy boundaries.

1. Show Up

Even if you’re unsure what to say, your willingness to be present speaks volumes. Sometimes, simply sitting together, sharing a meal, or sending a kind message can be deeply comforting.

Don’t be scared to chat away about normal everyday things. I craved normality and a normal craic (as we say in Cumbria).  My friend would often send me a message that said, “have you eaten?”, followed by “I have left something on your step”, usually food treats and snacks.

This was the sweetest gesture of kindness.  Was her way of saying I love you and I really don’t know what to do or say, buy please eat. Sounds simple but let me know she cared and gave me my space. It’s became our moto in crisis to this very day, “have you eaten”. 😊

Couples grieving together may need two very different support styles. Communication is key here. Grief can push couples apart and this can be managed with clear communication and lots of understanding.

2. Listen Without Judgment

Offer your ear, not your opinions.  Let the grieving person express their sorrow, anger, or confusion in their own way and time.  Avoiding talking about your own grief unless asked, it kind of feels inappropriate and minimalizes the grieving person.

3. Avoid Clichés and Platitudes

Well-intentioned phrases like “They’re in a better place” (Really!!!) or “Time heals all wounds” may feel dismissive.  A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I’m here for you” is often more helpful.  THIS DROVE ME INSANE!  Saying “I don’t know what to say” is enough, or even dark humour worked for me (but I am aware, this isn’t for everyone).

My personal least liked one-liner’s are; “Life still goes on”, “At least they had a good life”, “I know how you feel” (I assure you none of us truly know how anyone feels) “Look after your dad”, (This really added so much pressure).

The ultimate one is “You will get over this”!!!!  This again minimises the loss so much.  Although intentions are good, it feels triggering and annoying to hear.  Then to add to the complexities of this section, it depends on who says these things and how.  Someone can say the same thing and it feels kind. This is grief, changeable by the second!

4. Offer Practical Support

Grief can make daily tasks overwhelming. Offer to help with groceries, childcare, or housework, or simply ask, “What would be most helpful right now?” or “Fancy going for cake and mindless chat”. Sounds so basic but really helps.

5. Respect the Individual’s Process

Everyone mourns differently.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Respect the person’s wishes regarding rituals, social interaction, or the pace of their healing.  Some people shutdown completely, others are embroiled in the full drama and emotion. It’s their journey to navigate, all you can do is offer your time, patience, and care. Judgment is cruel and only adds to pain and suffering.

6. Remember Important Dates

Anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays can reignite grief. A gentle note or gesture on these days can offer comfort and remind the person they are not forgotten. This really means so much. So much!

7. Encourage Professional Support If Needed

If someone’s grief seems unrelenting or is leading to harmful behaviours, gently suggest speaking with a mental health professional.  Or even write them a loving letter to express your concern and support, be prepared to be rejected and your concerns to be unwanted, it’s better to show concern than ignore the facts.

8. What does not help (but you think it does)

The seduction of alcohol and encouraging of it, comfort eating, drug use (recreation or prescription), porn, gambling, control, over exercising and many more crutches are so alluring to numb out the pain of grief and distract your mind and soul.  But grief comes with an inbuilt skill, and that is “patience”, grief will wait for you, and for those who try to dodge, negotiate and distract themselves, although psychologically I get it, alas it is futile, prolonging grief won’t make it any easier, just adds to an already intensely sad experience.

Forming healthy mindful habits from the beginning will aid the process of grief enormously. Your whole body is under enough acute pressure without you adding to it. Be kind to yourself.

Ignoring the person suffering grief because of your own awkwardness or personal experience.  This really hurts and shows emotional immaturity on your part. Even a text message or a card is enough if you don not no what to say verbally. Ignoring and avoiding is unkind and crates confusion.

When people talk of no longer wanting to be here. talk it through with them, soooooo many people brush over this because they feel awkward or frightened. When translated the majority of grieving people simply mean “I do not want to feel like this anymore because it hurts so much”.

When Grief Becomes Complicated

Most people, with time and support, move towards healing.  However, some may experience “complicated grief,” where intense sorrow persists and interferes with daily life.  Signs to look for include:

• Persistent longing or preoccupation with the deceased
• Inability to accept the loss
• Difficulty engaging with life
• Withdrawal from friends, family, or activities
• Substance abuse or risky behaviour
• Talk of no longer wanting to be here (which is very common at first)
• Negative obsessive behaviour deemed healthy or otherwise
• Prolonged erratic mood swings that are out of character

If you or someone you know struggles in this way, professional intervention is essential.

Finding Meaning After Loss

Though grief never disappears entirely, it transforms over time (I promise). People often find ways to integrate the loss into their lives, discovering new meaning or purpose.  Some channel their pain into remaining family and friends, creative projects, or renewed dedication to relationships or causes close to the heart of the one they lost.

Conclusion: There is no conclusion.

And so, I return to where I began, with the idea that grief is like falling in love.  Because just like love, grief arrives uninvited, unexpected, and changes everything.  It breaks your heart wide open and demands your full attention. It moves in, rearranges your soul, and makes you see the world differently.

Grief needs time, patience, understanding, education, action, communication, and to be acknowledged as a very real and very human part of our existence.  At first, it feels unbearable, like something you’ll never survive.  But slowly, with time and great care, grief begins to soften. It becomes part of your story, sometimes heavy, sometimes light, but aways linked to love.

Because you only grieve deeply when you have loved deeply.  And in that sense, grief is love, just in another form.  A quiet, enduring, sacred kind of love. One that, in time, you learn to walk alongside with grace.

So, if you find yourself overwhelmed by grief, know this: you are also in the presence of love. And that love, like all true love, it never really leaves.

Namaste. AWB x

Dear reader, I hope this brings warmth to your heart!

In memory of

Catherine Lily Wilson, Arabella Louise Kelly and Sophie my loyal girl

I will be there

Some say I am painful, and I hurt.

Some say I am not worth the risk.

Some even spend a lifetime avoiding me.

Some choose bitterness, jealousy, manipulation, self-sabotage and unkindness in my place.

They do this not out of malice or from a badness within them, they do this out of fear, trauma, grief and perhaps because no one has ever introduced them to me properly.

Hello, let me introduce myself, my name is Love, whisper my name quietly, let my name roll off your lips and pour into every single cell of your body and then wrap around your energy field, let my name fill the room and then spill into the outside world, LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. Say my name. Love!

I see you, I feel you, and I offer you a symphony of the sweetest melodies regardless of the highs and the lows of your tune, I am here, and I always have been.

Grief is painful.

Betrayal is painful.

Lies are painful.

Abandonment is painful.

Expectations can be painful.

Saying goodbye is painful, so, so very painful.

Love is not and never will be painful. It is the absence of love that is painful. Love is infinite though, love will shine a light when you need it the most.

Please do not confuse me with my other fellow emotions and experiences. I bring you peace, calm, joy, connection and warmth where once dwelled coldness, emptiness darkness and pain. Its ok, I am here. Always.

Love is pure, love is kind, love is patient, love is warm, love always finds its way to those who request an audience with its ambience of healing light. I am in the eyes of a stranger, the wag of a tale or the stars in the sky if you look hard enough.

I am the highest vibration available to you upon your request. I will always be here.

Yours always, your trusted friend and compadre.

 LOVE. x